bitterdiva

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to love

Hello my name is bitterdiva and I am an infatuation addict.

I am also a magnet for the unattainable.

And, I fall very easily for them.

When I was younger, I just resigned myself to the fact that I have a lot of people that I just crush on. Then I met my husband, the first night we met I pretty much knew it was meant to be. Ten years later, we're finally walking our separate paths.

Now that I'm older, wiser, and significantly hotter, I'm back where I started from. Exploring the world of the opposite sex, trying to figure out what works for me, what doesn't. What I think works for me obviously doesn't but I continuously fall back into the familiar pattern of falling for the unattainable.

First it was Georgia boy. God I actually think I loved him. I learned a lot about my self during the four or five months of interaction we had. I also learned a lot about my own sexuality. I learned that I'm definitely submissive sexually as opposed to my waking life where I am the dominant, pant-wearing bitch that I am.

Secretly, I find myself softer, more desiring of curling up in the arms of my partner. This is different in my waking life because I try to present myself as cold-hearted and strong. A facade that only those very close to me know as being just that.

I am a sincere person searching for that one that will brighten the darkest days, warm the coldest one, and hold me tight when tears shed from my eyes. Lately, I could fill a lake with the amount have fallen unto my bosom.

Now I'm missing someone else, bound to my word. Giving him space to think about the trials and the pu pu platter life just handed to him. It's difficult for me to not be there for someone when I feel they need it the most. For me, I cannot fathom not having a confidant to communicate fears and sorrows to and receive advice in order to make everything better.

I need to be strong, evolve, forget, move on. I need to stop falling victim to my heart.

2 prayers | 11:14 PM

Shattered pieces

Today was one of the more rougher days that I've encountered in a long time. I woke up this morning enjoying the fact that in one week I'll be on vacation, then immediately realizing that same day would have been our two-year wedding anniversary.

It all went downhill after there. I haven't been able to sleep well. I haven't been feeling healthy in two months. I feel as if I've been wandering around like a zombie. I've been short and curt with people. I've wanted to be left alone. I've been drinking. a lot.

I broke down to my doctor during my follow up on my medication. She poked and prodded me about the divorce, asking questions that all medical professionals ask - does he abuse you, does he hit you, blah blah blah.

It's a life altering event and she says that I'll come through it stronger and better for it. It's a learning experience, women learn things out of situations. I hopefully will learn to take better care of myself, not to settle on something that I don't agree with, to stop playing the role of the martyr.

But it's difficult. I feel like I am a dented can. It may look okay to nibble on, but what's the chance that poison has set in and will kill the imbibers? Damaged goods. Divorced at 31. Will I ever find happiness again, will anyone want to marry me? Will I ever have a child? These questions plague my mind and yet if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll seem like the Rock of Gibraltar. If I keep telling myself I'm fine, perhaps I'll believe it.

No prayers | 09:34 PM