bitterdiva

Bitterdiva bares... an arm?

I constantly hide from the truth. I run screaming and kicking from it’s dark face actually. I have completely self deluded myself into thinking in a certain way or believing in things that may be completely far from the truth. So when people bluntly point out that I am truly a farce it disturbs me. All that I have created, all that I have managed to build in my own little world gets a hairline fracture in it and thus the crumbling begins.

I am convinced in my own paranoid delusions that something, some supernatural force is trying to make me better myself through several conversations in which people are trying to crack the encrypted code that is the matrix of me. I have let down my guard and for people to come too close at probing my heart and my mind frightens me and I return to my shell like a turtle.

So because the actual release of words from my mouth pains my ears I will never speak of them. I can type away to my heart’s desire about the problems that plague me, or the real me, or even why it is that I am the way I am. I will stare at your face with a hardened expression as you divulge to the residents of tables nearby how fake I am all the while praying to some deity that everyone listening is by far too drunk to even remember what has been said.

I am a highly intellectual person with some form of a psychosis. I have emotional problems that are based on my physical appearance and I over complicate things by trying to have multiple personalities so I can please everyone. In that attempt I have sacrificed myself and I don't know who I am anymore. There are fragments of my personality that are a constant through all my supposed personalities. I guess I try to hard to fit in with everyone, must be the Libra in me, seeking a constant state of balance.

I must be fooling myself. I must actually think that I am so unique in that not one of my friends can actually know who I am. Although instead of basking in all that is me I try to keep everything a secret from my friends the details of my life that I am too ashamed of to even speak of them. I have been ridiculed and compared to some individual throughout my entire life that I have set a standard of the perfect me, something that I will never be able to achieve and instead of letting go I further drive myself into a frenzy filled with self depreciating thoughts, suicidal tendencies, and eating disorders. Slide.

11:24 AM

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